Perimenopause- there I said it. As I tell it loud and clear. There is fear, trepidation, guilt and god knows why, that big elephant in the room that says to me ‘you cannot do the things you could do before’.

When did I feel it? Right after my birthday last month relaxing near the sea, phone switched off, reading a book and getting away from it all.

Finally I took a vacation that didn’t push my body to trekking in the mountains or cycling from one altitude to another or a destination half marathon that would take me to another city. The signs were all there. It had been 8 years since I took a vacation like ‘normal people’ eat, sleep and rest.

I had signed up for a trek as usual for my birthday repeating the same one I did 6 years ago only because the trekking company said I could it for free. It suited my budget, my flimsy pockets. But just a week before the shift happened, I had enough.

Yes, Himalayas are divine. Yes I want to lose myself in there. But the way my body was getting pounded for the last 5 years whether it was my dog rescue work or my workouts( I shamelessly say I workout like a BEAST) it was time for the body to rest and so I did.

I booked my tickets, out of India and slept my way through the flight until I landed. And then, I slept more..

As I was by the pool reading and finishing faster than expected the 6 books I carried with me, I felt this sudden sweating, profuse sweating, I dived into the pool thinking it’s just the heat.

But after sometime this heat emanated within me above my neck as if I was on fire and I rushed back to the luxurious ac room. I was cranking up the air conditioner. I could get out only after 7 pm to eat and that too was getting unbearable as I was sweating profusely. I still ignored it.

Coming back home refreshed not thinking about what I went through, the next thing happened. Sudden and fast. ANXIETY ATTACK.

Let me tell you what happens to a woman in this stage of her life, when it hits her. Tightening of the chest, the whole world collapses around her, its closed in and choking hard and strong. You check your pulse, it’s fine, you are breathing fine, what is this?

You are not able to move forward, you are frozen. Completely frozen so much that your voice doesn’t even come out to ask for help. You feel you are dying. In and out. Then after 15-20 minutes it goes away and leaves you completely drained. Now imagine this happening 2-3 times a day, out of nowhere, suddenly.

It happened to me when I was taking my dogs for a walk, there were times when I sat in the middle of the road with my kiddo patiently watching me until I did deep breathing and had the strength to get up and keep moving. I didn’t care anymore. Its me.

I felt a total sense of loss, that something inside me, a big part of me is going away. Acute sadness. Let me tell you for every woman, their stages and feelings are different.

I didn’t feel I was becoming less of a woman or I am aging, it was my inability to not do the things I was holding on to that got to me.

So I started reading up, researching on everything that was related to this. And to no surprise, 95% of women go through this stage of life so badly with zero awareness. They don’t know what’s happening to them. None. Mood swings, depression, hysteria, anger, dry skin, loss of sex drive, hot flashes, excessive sweating.

I remembered a trek friend whom I trekked with 2 years ago telling me one rainy day in the tent that she was going through it, and I was like what? You are in your mid 30s!! And yes it can start from mid 30s to 40s.

I felt bad that I couldn’t understand and ask her more as to how she was feeling, what she was going through. It is this stage before menopause finally happens in 4-7 years time.

Then came the societal shame. No woman is willing to share that she is going through this because it means ‘she is old’ officially. No longer attractive, no longer able to be who she is. Isn’t that sad?

And I am telling this bluntly, I am one of them. To admit I am in this stage means to let others know I am middle aged.

Then it happened, yeah so? Who cares? I am aging and I will continue to age.

With the symptoms came the next transformation, ‘ I DON’T CARE’ in every possible way. I am someone who looks at others needs always, there I said it.

I have been doing it for decades. Call it my upbringing, conditioning and being a woman, every pressure I put on myself is my own.

I come from a 100 kms cycling to home and first thing I ask is , ‘“have you had your breakfast” not even once thinking shouldn’t he ask me if I ate something or get me a glass of water? I bustle about ordering his food while with my body tired and sore I start making my breakfast. Then I worry about lunch. YES. This is just an example.

Then finally it stopped. My hormones and perimenopause removed all that shit with this. I wake up, I think of ME. Am I ok? Am I comfortable? Can I do this? If it’s NO, then it’s NO. The changes inside have been phenomenal. It’s definitely not the end of life.

It’s the beginning of a NO BULLSHIT, ITS ONLY YOU LIFE. It’s beautiful, it’s scary, what I couldn’t do in decades, this stage is making me care for MYSELF in every way.

I am still trying to understand what’s happening inside me. One day at a time. I have bad days, tough days and ok days. Anxiety hits me every single day but I cope with it slightly better.

It’s also the body’s way of saying ,”REST AND SLEEP AND LEAVE THE BULLSHIT BEHIND”.

Also, ladies, don’t keep it all inside you. Share it with your family, friends and partners. How will they know and support you? And that’s exactly what I did. Sat down and told them what’s happening to me. I also had another motive. To tell my male friends so that they would know when it happens to their spouses. Not everyone can express.

I share this no holds barred. Perimenopause is just the beginning of a transformation, a life changing transformation when you are done with taking care of everyone in the world, nurturing, worrying, stressing completely ignoring that side that kept on prodding you to SELF CARE for years. That voice that moment finally comes out and how. It’s like a Big Bang!

Yes I want to feel good, I want to look good, dress well, eat well and travel well but on my terms and conditions. But not what society says a 45+ woman should look like or be. I want to be the way I wish to be and I am changing every single day. 💜🐾