What do I remember the next day after November 10th? Still on heavy painkillers yet a horrible feeling when I woke up in the morning at 5 am and very slowly got into the car and even more slowly did the feeding round for the 50 dogs in my colony.

I was a sight with full swollen face, fully bulged lips, cuts and bandages and stitches on my face with blue, pink bruises on my body. And the right eye was clogged with redness because of the impact, the vision let’s say was not good.

You know what? I didn’t care anymore “nothing really matters” is not just a line from a song from Metallica – the hard rock band. I was experiencing it and that motto will be for life.

That same day, late morning ,my youngest dog boy Leo who was recovering from tick fever, his body temperature went up high suddenly. I and Srini hauled him up and took him to the vet.

Yes, with my wounds and blurriest visuals and memory, I landed up at the vet shocking the entire staff there who were not able to believe that I was standing and worrying about my kid than anything else.

Every two days, I would go to the hospital nearby, lie down and grit my teeth as bandages would be removed and get the wounds cleaned and dressing done.

Right from my face to the neck to arms to thighs and shoulders. Pain, pain and excruciating pain. Puss and blood oozing from my jaw, and the doctor pressing on it hard, continuously, draining it so the infection wouldn’t spread, every two days like an assignment, that’s what I take with me.

High threshold of pain? I think I maxed out that threshold, but who knows? Maybe there is more in store in the future. The strong antibiotics to wade off infection turned my stomach upside down with a heavy misery that would eat me up.

I didn’t have a morsel to eat since the day after the accident until I realised something ached deep in my mouth,

I looked in the mirror and saw a bloody deep cut in my tongue. All red. Great! How do I even have anything? So for the next 2+ weeks, anything liquid, cold with a straw I could sip and gulp with pain in my throat from the left side of my jaw as my right jaw had stitches, no movement and shut tightly like it was never going to function again.

Then comes the challenge, to move, to wake up, to turn, to do anything. Did I have a brain injury? I wondered. The CT scan showed no concussion, but I lost the sense of smell and taste for 2 weeks.

But let me stop right here from going further into my physical pain.

Because what I want to share is how real the world is and people showed me with their masks off. I came to know who cared and who didn’t.

It was deeply hurtful, painful that the ones I thought were good friends just dropped from the radar without a message or a call when they got to know of my accident, forget visiting me when they knew this happened. And a few others sent a one liner message, like how you send a festival greeting on whatsapp meant for all. The ‘ good deed of the day’ was done and I was zilch.

And it told me that it’s not my journey to understand and console myself by thinking, ‘oh they are so busy, everybody is doing their thing and have their problems’. No more excuses. A revelation indeed.

What did I do? I kept silent, because I know they are out of my life permanently. If I am not honest and brutal now, then it’s a wasted life and I do not have time.

And the ones whom I least expected, acquaintances checked on me regularly through a call, through kind words that came from the heart. To ask if I ate, if I needed something and to those friends who sent ice cream when I told them my tongue is able to take only cold melted soft food.

Were there disappointments in my personal life? Of course, when a person who is ‘strong’ (I started disliking that word !) and is a ‘pillar’ becomes the patient now, well, some can’t handle it.

It’s because they got used to being the victim and patient for a long time, it’s difficult to give up that seat of that sick person slot, or it was, ‘oh she will get out of it, she is ok attitude’.

Because you see, I was, and showed it that way that I am OK even if I didn’t feel it inside, always throughout my life no matter which storm hit me hard.

And there were those very few who cared, they showed the way they could manage. Because you know something? Take this from me, It’s not enough to ‘say’ but SHOW IT TO THE PERSON when that person needs you.

In today’s modern world of ‘we should not expect anything’ kind of feeling, bloody hell, we should expect it! We should expect to be loved, cared, hugged in every way. If not now, then when?

To hold your hand, to grasp your weak shoulders when you know it’s another tough day and say, I am right here and SHOW THAT LOVE.

That expectation should never die no matter how many generations pass by. Your loved ones, be it family or your close ones, best friends, they have to show you, especially in times like these when you are hanging by a thin thread of hope.

What it is, is besides physical pain I am going through emotional, mental trauma, in short PTSD( post traumatic stress disorder)

I am not ignoring it, I am not distracting away from it, but feeling it with every core of my body, my breath( I still can’t breathe fully) The trauma that feels endless but I have to go through the fire so I can come out of it.

I am not the old Swapna. The good ole Swapna taking care of things day in day out, running around, asking, did you eat? Did you drink? Making that coffee first, Is everything ok? Are you ok? Lending a shoulder to cry on always, boosting up, putting others priorities before me. I am EXHAUSTED.

I am the child who lost both my parents before I turned 35, I have no siblings, I looked at others interests and care first. What a fool I am! Maybe I was holding onto that crutch of care, that delusion. I acknowledge everything written above finally. It is the truth.

I fooled myself into believing I was independent, no way am I one. My happiness to a large extent depended on others around me being happy. It was about making them comfortable, give them priority, be that close ones, friends, whoever mattered to me. What a fool I am truly.

I won’t use the fancy word ‘evolve’, that’s utter nonsense. It’s over used and never understood.

I have changed. How I look at people, how I look at life and I am very clear what I don’t want, and whom I don’t want.

Those remaining years of my life I have ahead of me? It’s me I have to care for first, I have to prioritise my physical and mental health and most importantly love. Without love and care, life is meaningless.

Yes, professional therapy is the way and I am doing it but I have a long road ahead, in and out. It’s slow, it’s painful, it’s like the heart’s cracks getting bandaged with a tape every day ❤️‍🩹 It’s leaking, and I can handle the leaks but not the broken heart . NO MORE. NOT AGAIN.

The accident, in the next post.