9 years of Corporate life, 5 years of being a Yoga Teacher and almost 8 years of hospitality, these cumulative years could create another adult altogether and that makes me feel wizened! And I mean not in terms of age but in experience, in this journey of life.
Right from the very beginning I had no specific plan, but hey did the 80’s, 90’s kids growing up have any plan at all?
All we wanted was to be financially independent, traversing our way through the only two options of Engineering and Medicine and god forbid anyone who didn’t get into either of those, the rest were just tagged as a bunch of ‘buffoons’.
After all what could Arts & Literature give you? Definitely not getting bread butter and jam to the table.
But what about those ones? Those weird ones like me who didn’t choose the above nor went the route of doing a PhD (Doctorate) and become a Professor or a Software Programmer as the norm went during my college days in the late 90’s?
I took up any job that came my way because the sole aim was to stand on my feet and not become like the numerous women I met in my life who solely depended on their man for finances which meant a rein on their lives completely.
Now, after all these years, I can say am truly at crossroads in every possible way. As I slowly wean myself away from what I am currently into, I see a big blank . I don’t even see a rocky road ahead because there is no road there to begin with.
When I was telling my friends about me getting out of it all, the next question but naturally was, What Next? When I said I had no clue, came the perplexed looks, that look of are you kidding me? What do you mean you don’t have a plan? You mean you don’t have a ‘back up’? YOU must do something about it!
The concern that am not getting younger when most of them my age are ‘settled’ with children, a hubby and a fat bank balance and here I am living like a hippie chick of the 60’s minus the drugs and free love and saying Who knows?
This made me think. All my life it seemed like I had no plan and yet it felt like a plan. I was going through the humdrum of life doing what is required, according to what society expected of me, my family expected of me and anything unknown or beyond that was BAD, NOT GOOD. For anything uncertain meant you were bound to fail.
Yet today, I am truly uncertain of what is next. I have no idea what I want to do and what will make me go that extra mile. Maybe I have exhausted whatever reserve of energy I have with my cafe Truffles all these years.
And strangely this thought makes me feel content, the uncertainty brings up those thrills and fears in me, there is absolutely no path out there for me to even walk on. It’s a big blur, a haze and I am standing in the middle of it all.
As I contemplated these past months I realized that Certainty is a myth, a big myth, it only hints towards our own perceptions, gives us a sense of predictability to our circumstances.
Yet the reality is that nothing is certain, NOTHING. And there is only one thing I feel I have control of – To make my own choices. Its my own and its my free will and to use that I need to be free in every possible way.
And to be free I need to be where I am right now, in that Uncertainty.. To feel it in my bones, in my blood, in my veins, through and through, to let it get deep inside me in every possible way.
And so I have finally moved on from the Certainty of bullshit to the Bliss of Uncertainty..