What I am sharing today is nothing lofty and idealistic nor meant to be..
Today I can truly say I am selfish, yes ‘Selfish’. Because what I am about to say is not for a cause, not a statement because the cause I am in pursuit of is me.
This persona we create right from the time we become aware is something else isn’t it? As we grow older, comes the thoughts, then comes the implications of those thoughts, then come the boundaries of what you are set up with, What to Do and What NOT to do and if you are a woman it’s more often NOT than CAN.
When Yoga discovered me, yes it did because am no big person discovering something that has been there for thousands of centuries, I was in a Kerala Ashram with other like minded souls for a month and half, 12 years ago (that long ago!). It gave me a grounded and I mean grounded reality of what it means to start at level zero.
Whether it was cleaning, sweeping, carrying food or assisting and supporting others or sometimes simply observing, a new persona took over or maybe it was who I was really.
This person who went back to basics, who realised that no matter what she did or didn’t matter, what she thought she achieved was meaningless because the heart and soul was not satiated and from there my life went into a 180 degree spin.
Even now, I credit practically everything I observe and learn to Yoga. That one month and half in the Ashram, the people I interact with, the friends I make, the trials and tribulations I have experienced and continue to experience, endure and take it head on is because of that time I spent there learning life’s lessons.
Yet there is the Ego, isn’t it? Always there, always in the present, sometimes dominant, sometimes dormant, but its there lurking at your doorstep, waiting to jump in and create that illusion of self importance, I know I am right! and more such bullshit.
So what does this have to do with myself? Well folks I decided to shed a little bit more of my ego last week. Maybe take off that one big factor that we usually associate ourselves with, physically at least.
There were plenty of things going on in my mind. I was contemplating doing it for a year now but the fear and insecurity reined me in. What if? What will people think? Omg! Look at me, I am horrible kind of statements. But for what? What is the reason? What is the cause?
The answer came last week. I decided to make myself a charity cause and shaved my head.
I used to associate hair with beauty all this time, especially as a woman, and what she CAN do and CANNOT do until and unless it’s for religious, medical reasons or a loftier cause like charity. I respect all the above yet in my heart I felt I needed to experience what it means to shed it all, that big EGO that is associated with it, also to make a clean break of things, to start on a new note and to start all over again from GROUND ZERO.
As I did it, I thought of all the decades that has passed and my hair withstanding it all, the pain, the love, the loss, the sickness, the trauma, the experience and endurance and yes the attractiveness of it, everything and now it was time to touch that milestone.
As I saw thick tufts of hair falling onto my lap when the barber was going about it, I felt a whiff of freedom, that scent of liberation, that ego going down a little bit more, that What if? fell off like black hair, detached itself. I looked up and saw ME. I felt light, better, happier as if a burden had lifted off.
It was a clean break from the old, no burden or hassles of holding onto my past and baggage as well as the others that I took upon myself.
It no longer mattered how I looked, how my so called attractiveness went down ten notches, nothing, it was me, truly me. I am happy and I am not looking back, ever.
They say a New Year is always making something new right? This is mine and I own it wholly. And yes I have a long way to go.. a really long way to shedding my ego, and in my own way I made my first significant step.