I have been thinking of ending 2019 with a blog, a reflection, an introspection on how this year has been. It was on my mind for quite some time. After a transformative inner journey of 7 days, I was all gung ho and raring to go about the blog. Then reality happened and with a thud! It brought me back to ground zero, like that.

A big thud, with all the gentle feeling getting wiped out. So what am I doing here, still wanting to write this blog? It’s simple really. I wanted to share what I learned this year. What others taught me consciously or sub consciously, each one of them became my teachers.

The year 2019 for me has been journeys, literally and metaphorically. While I thought I was travelling/trekking/backpacking to one destination after the other. I was also having a journey internally in the most intense way.

I was able to separate the real from the fake, most of the times. I was able to challenge certain fears, some which I failed spectacularly while some I could muster my way through. 2019 taught me to put myself first.

I cut certain habits and patterns. It taught me that it’s ok to say No, I don’t want to do this, I prefer doing it the other way. It taught me that my feelings are valuable just as the ones I value in others. My fears don’t make me weak, it makes me open to understand that I can work on it and not run away from it.

Acceptance, Surrender, Letting Go are just ‘WORDS’ and they don’t mean a thing until you are ready to do it, really do it. Then you won’t use these words anymore, you JUST DO IT.

I learnt how women, Yes, you, me are such givers, such goddamn givers that it’s taken for granted that by default we HAVE to be that way, anything that upsets that order upsets either gender.

I learnt that it’s ok to oppose someone’s views and it’s NOT OK to be silent when one keeps on shoving their views to you without even asking your permission if it’s ok with you.

And I understand what mansplaining is about when I felt it, ever so subtly but still there. It could be a fancy term used now but it exists and continues to exist and the men no matter how aware or sensitive they are, don’t even know they do it.

 I am finally coming out of my guilt of being who I am. A woman wanting to live her life without explanations, not adhering to any rule in any book and fighting my way through it. If you think Oh Man, she is a feminist. You are goddamn right I am, I own it fully. 

This year and especially now that I look back and get new insights, I realise If not for the feminine energy that exists in all of us irrespective of gender, where would we be?

It’s the feminine in you that shows you love, a touch, a hug, a smile, the emotions. It is the creator, protector and destroyer that’s pulsating in this energy. Isn’t it time we transcend that devotion and respect we have for our goddesses, our Devis to the feminine energy in you, and to the women in your life?

It’s an earnest wish that I make for myself, to see niceness in people, it takes a lot of effort and I must put that effort.

We are surrounded by so much light, yet we want to see the darkness because that attracts us more. Both are in us, and it’s upto you to make that choice.

Every travel, right when I started Sandakphu – Indo/Nepal trek with fever and cold in January 2019 to this December end was a roller coaster ride. Not one was smooth, now when I look back especially the second half of 2019. Yet what got me through was people.

Right when I lost hope, would come that spark of humanity telling me all is not lost. One only sees the darkness but we must not ignore the light that is coming with it.

So I leave you with this message on the last day of the year 2019. See the light, truly see the light within you. It goes beyond careers, money, houses, cars, accumulation of wealth, accumulation of egos and pride, petty egos and squabbles, goes beyond proving you are right or having the last word. It’s nice to be nice.

Love is not personal, it cannot be and it can never be. Love is not just for a specific person who deserves it, it doesn’t discriminate. There is a love that comes from the universe, it looks at all of us with compassion and patience. That is our strength, that is my strength and I hope I begin to understand this journey of love a little more in 2020.

Till we meet again. 💕